I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
