i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
