you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
