Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
