Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
