Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I fill condoms, not promises.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
