last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
