Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
