if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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