Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
