Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize