Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
