its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
