I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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