Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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