Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
