I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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