I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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