Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
