just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
