You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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