I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
