My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
