Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
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