um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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