I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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