if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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