Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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