A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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