FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
