dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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