I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
