so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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