I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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