I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize
