I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
