i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
