i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
