last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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