Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
