Life is so much better after having sex.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
