My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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