If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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