I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
