You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
