i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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