Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
