the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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