you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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