Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize