her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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