I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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