I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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