Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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