A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
