Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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