Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
