you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
