I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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