"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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