I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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